Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)

A holiday wish from The Ramones

Dear Gen Xer,

This is usually the part where I write about a song, crack a few jokes, and hope I haven’t wasted your time along the way. But it’s the day before Christmas and the year’s almost over and you’re probably too busy or too unplugged to care about anything besides stuffing your face.

Me too.

In just a few hours, my belly will be full, my pants will be undone, and I’ll be staring like a zombie at movies and sports until my eyes fall out of my head. I will channel Al Bundy and I will feel no shame.

Of course, what’s the point of the Gen X Jukebox if there isn’t at least some kind of song to listen to?

Enter The Ramones and their festive tune, Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight).

Everybody knows The Ramones are legends; an iconic stitch in the Gen X fabric. They deserve their own post – a proper one – which celebrates their genius and godlike status.

Rest assured, that day will come. For now, however, let us zero in on the wisdom of their song: the desire to avoid a fight. It’s an important message, and a timely one at that, because Christmas without conflict is like Paris Hilton winning the Nobel – it’s scientifically impossible.

So what are you supposed to do with your drunk, abusive, racist, ignorant, sexist, and/or delusional relative once they open their ugly mouths? How can you turn them from Douche to Deck the Halls without caving their stupid head in?

Hard to say, really. Douches come in all shapes and sizes.

But here’s one thing you might want to try if you’d like to end a Christmas fight and spare your relative a trip to the hospital.

STEP #1: Bite your tongue and move away from the table (or wherever you’re about to choke your relative out).

STEP #2: Curse your relative and wish they were dead on your way to the stereo.

STEP #3: Play something insufferably bland like children’s music or Christmas carols. (You’ll find that Sting is also effective.)

STEP #4: CRANK THAT SHIT.

STEP #5: Watch as your drunk and overfed relative stares in confusion and fights off drowsiness.

STEP #6: Delight as they pass out or fall to their knees and beg you to turn the music off.

If that doesn’t work, and your relative becomes angrier or more offensive, just sniff some glue, throw on The Ramones, and beat on the brat with a baseball bat.

Jokes aside (and at the risk of sounding sappy), I’d like to end this holiday post by taking a moment to thank you all.

Thank you for subscribing.
Thank you for reading.
Thank you for liking.
Thank you for commenting.
Thank you for quoting.
Thank you for restacking.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for spending your time with me.

Words can’t express my humility and gratitude, so instead I’ll wish each and every one of you a happy, healthy, and fight-free holiday.

See you next week for the final post of the year!