Achy Breaky Heart

I might blow up and kill this man

It occurred to me the other day that if I’m going to write about songs I love, I should balance out the kumbaya by writing about songs I hate.

And boy do I detest this song, fellow Xer. I’m talking about the kind of hostility one tends to reserve for in-laws and mimes. Though I’d rather stick my tongue down Marcel Marceau’s throat than spend another minute of my so-called life listening to the singer in this week’s Jukebox.  

Look at this asshole.

How he sired a talented daughter I’ll never understand.

But we’re not talking about her today. We’re talking about Kentucky’s own Billy Ray Cyrus, as well as his megahit in 1992, Achy Breaky Heart.

I know.

I know.

And yet I feel compelled to see this through.

Because while our generation’s music is easily the most tubular tuneage around, there were also a ton of stinkers back then, and that’s just a fact we need to accept.

So in the immortal words of every adult, authority figure, and Phys Ed teacher our glorious generation ever had to face: Suck.It.Up.

I should admit, before we continue, that I learned something interesting while researching this piece. I learned that I was completely wrong about Billy Ray Cyrus. Turns out he’s even more talentless than I thought.

EXHIBIT A: (OBVIOUS, BUT STILL)

Billy Ray Cyrus didn’t write Achy Breaky Heart. That dubious honor goes to Don Von Tress, which I believe is Latin for ‘fuck your eardrums’.

Von Tress never matched the success Achy Breaky received, which is shocking given such highpoints in his repertoire like The Fastest Horse in a One-Horse Town and Take It Easy Greazy.

EXHIBIT B: (THE KICKER)

Billy Ray’s Achy Breaky Heart is actually a cover! It was originally recorded the year before by the Marcy Brothers.

Here’s the original circa 1991 which, unsurprisingly, is as putrid as the international hit it inspired.

Still with me?

Good.

Here are some facts about this fakey snaky song:

• #1 on the Hot Country Charts

• #3 on the UK Singles Chart

• #4 on Billboard’s Hot 100

It was also the best selling single in Australia, and was the first song Down Under to go triple platinum. I’m not sure what Aussies were smoking in ‘92, though I’d love to get the name of their dealer.

But wait!

There’s more!

Some Gave All—the diabolical record on which Achy Breaky Heart appears—was the best selling album in America in 1992. It sold over 9 million copies in the first year of its release, has been certified 9x multi-platinum in the U.S. alone, and spent an obnoxious 17 CONSECUTIVE WEEKS AT NUMBER ONE.

How did this happen?

What were we thinking?

I simply do not know.

But there’s no denying that Achy Breaky Heart wasn’t just a smash hit, it was a freaking phenomenon. Wherever you went, there it was: in the malls and the post office and every bar or club that played radio-friendly material.

As if that wasn’t enough, Achy Breaky Heart also thrust line dancing back into the spotlight. So not only was the song an insufferable buzz kill every time it came on, but you also had to dive out of the way when some mullet-loving yokel inevitably decided the time had come to perfect their Cross Cha.

So what’s the verdict here?

Does Achy Breaky Heart really belong in the Gen X Jukebox? Or is this nothing more than a sterling example of my ability to write about (and your ability to read about) songs that stink to high fucking heaven without resorting to capital murder?

Of course, the shitty little song belongs.

Despite Billy’s hairstyle and dearth of talent.

Love it or hate it, the song made history.

I’m going to attempt to make history as well. I’m going to try to get through this song without disgorging my lower intestine.

You’re welcome to join me, though it’s cool if you don’t.

Unlike fuckface here, my heart will understand.

And will love you all the more for it.